The NONGs Strike Back

captainmorgan2.jpgEvidently the NONGs have gotten word of my offensive against them.

(If you are unfamiliar with the NONG, see this post).

It seems they have stepped up their attacks lately in an effort to deter me and my TWOG posse. At least two more volleys have been fired in the last 24 hours alone.

Yesterday I was at the gym, and a NONG of the HAC variety (“hiding around the corner”) ambushed me. I was strolling into the locker room, walking pretty briskly because I only had about an hour to get my workout and locker room time in. Suddenly, as I turned the corner into the locker area, a NONG bolted out in front of me on his way to the men’s room—oblivious not only to common pedestrian right-of-way courtesy rules, but also to the inviolable law that you should never pee naked while standing next to someone in a public place. This is something my mom taught me when I was, like, 2 years old. Sadly, most NONGs have forgotten this well-known axiom.

My walking speed was sufficient that I could very well have bowled over the NONG, tripped, and landed on top of a dirty, rotten, socially reprehensible, nasty old naked guy. I almost kung fu-ed him right in the skull. But then Jesus told me not to do it. Lucky NONG.

And this just in from TWOG reader and Fusion attender Justin Song:Crazy. I also had a traumatic experience at the gym just now. I am not sure if you know where the scale is in the men’s bathroom is but it is near the shower. So I was going to go weigh myself when I turned the corner to step onto the scale and there was a NONG standing on the scale. I totally almost ran into him. Downtown Minneapolis, along with other big cities, have warning lights that alert people on the sidewalk and other motor vehicles when a car is pulling out of a underground parking lot. I say that this should be adopted in locker rooms.

We must persevere. The NONGs cannot succeed in their anarchist quest to put asunder all reasonable social laws. This is not the end, Nasty Old Naked Guy! We shall return! (Please don’t be naked when we get there. At least some underwear, maybe?)


7 thoughts on “The NONGs Strike Back”

  1. Dude-had a NONL experience at the New Hope Lifetime last week that threw me for a loop. Haven’t even been able to go to the gym since…(that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!)

    Now, one would think that NONGs and NONLs would be more likely to be spotted during the morning hours or perhaps right after work. But in this case, I was meeting some friends at the gym at about 9:30 at night. (The New Hope Lifetime closes at 11:00!) They were already there and set to go work out, so I was in a hurry to throw my bag in a locker. Being in such a hurry and having my former reasoning in mind, I was unfortunately unaware of my surroundings. As I turned the corner to choose a locker…BAM! There she was, in all her glory, right in my face, no where to turn, no way to avoid the horror.

    I think I handled the situation with a ton of grace though. I think I may have let out a small moan (only because the people I was with told me so), turned around looking like I had seen a ghost and walked to a locker in a completely different spot. All the while-my friends dying of laughter.

    I don’t think that NONL will be returning anytime soon. You’re welcome ladies of New Hope Lifetime!

  2. Man. I wish you young kids would GET OFF MY L… Er… no… that wasn’t it. Um. Oh yes. I wish you young kids would cut your elders some slack.

    Lev. 19:32 (KJV — the CORRECT version of the Bible… even if you heathen liberals can’t admit it…): “Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD.”

    Where’s the respect? When I parade naked — as is my God-given right — around the locker room (a room that by definition accepts nakedness, you argumentative, disrespectful whippersnappers) you ought not snicker. You ought not giggle. You ought not react with horror. No. You ought to stand up and offer your respect!

    If you’re sitting on the bench, you need to get out of the way!

    If you’re blocking my way to the scale, then move your scrawny little foolish butt out of my way!

    What you don’t realize is that when you get to be my age (not that someone as disrespectful as you will make it this far….), well, all the parts … they hang a bit. It gets hard to dry. Heck, it gets hard to reach them. So you have to let things ‘air dry’ a bit, if you get my drift.

    You think I enjoy the Captain Morgan stance? Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to get that foot up on the bench at my age? For crying out loud, I’m just trying to air out my nether region.

    Now. Where did I leave my towel?

  3. These stories make me ok w/ my Snap Fitness membership. Sure I don’t have a pool, or a Hot tub but if i do see a NONG I have the right to call the police!

  4. I’m happy to report my locker room was NONG free this morning. Either the weather kept them at home or they are closing ranks to plan a full frontal attack for Monday (shudder).

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